| First of all...this is for Nicole...
Sunny days seem to hurt the most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat, I feel you everywhere I go. I see your smile I see your face. I hear you laughing in the rain. I still can't believe you're gone...God knows how I miss you and all the pain I've been through. No one could ever take your place.
Okay...serious moment...deep even maybe. I have a fear. And it's not of snakes, or heights, or bugs, or bears or whatever. It's of loving. I have a fear of loving. And through tears I will tell this and I will prolly regret posting this, but i don't care at the moment. I have been let down. I did what I thought was not humanly possible and had unconditional love for someone and it was thrown back in my face. The only bad thing about this is the love stays. It's really confusing to me. I don't want to love anymore. I am afraid to love anyone else. I am afraid to get attatched, I'm afraid to go deep. However, I want to go deep. I need it. I can't stay surfaced with everyone my whole life. I have a husband out there, I have amazing friend potential out there. Heck, I have people in my life right now that I know, if I just let go, could be some of the best friends I have ever had. But I can't let go because I'm afraid to prolong the pain. I don't like myself this way. I want you back, or I want you completely gone. I'm tired of feeling this. It's been too long. I'm sorry for posting this in public view, if you even read my xanga anymore, but I can't hold this in anymore. And there is nobody I feel like just blurting it all out to. And I mean all. I feel like people get tired of hearing the same old crap. "Just screw it Amber." "She's not worth this." Well I have tried. But from this day on I am trying my hardest. I don't even know what I did to deserve this to be honest. Sure, I messed up once. But I don't deserve this. So, no more crying, no more pain. No more seeing you and crying myself to sleep that night. No more smells, sights, songs, or anything else that reminds me of you and makes my day horrible. From this day on, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone I found in you and letting go of the memories I cherished. I love you and I always will no matter what...but I have to do this. I'm moving on and that's my word....
And if you do read this, you can't get mad because you know that there are pictures I have that could have really embarassed you but I care too much to do that. Ironically.
These lyrics have lost all meaning:
When every moment gets too hard. The end of the road can feel so far. No matter how much time we're apart. I'm always near you. I'll be your shelter in the rain. Help you find your smile again. I'll make you laugh at a broken heart. Wherever you are. Cause I'm never gonna walk away if the walls come down someday. All alone and you feel afraid, I'll be there when you call my name. You can always depend on me I will be until forever ends. I will be your friend. So many people come and go. But nothing can change the you I know. You'll never be just a face in the crowd. And time will show through the seasons and the years, I will always hold you dear...never you fear. I'll be your rock when every candle burns down low....
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